I screamed and found myself

It is funny how memories come up when you are sitting intentionally to write about pivotal moments in your life, what one speaker I heard call “plot twists”.

I wanted to remember why I left Malaysia.

I was trying to recall what propelled me to leave the only country I ever really knew to a future that was unknown and uncertain.

Then the memory came flooding back.

I was seated in my beat up Peugeot that I had crashed just a few months before (that is a different story). 🤣

It was raining heavily, a thunderstorm so bad that it was the cause of the traffic jam that I had been stuck in for the last two hours.

I remember feeling the intense pain of frustration, of helplessness, of being lost. All shrouded in a choking fog that was getting more and more unbearable each day.

I was trying to get home after a day of work, hungry for dinner and exhausted.

See, I was into my first year as an Investment Analyst at an International Equities Firm. I had been a “good” student and chose to study Economics and Finance. I graduated with Distinction as I was expected to and was so ready to make my millions in the stockbroking world.

I landed a prestigious job just like I was “supposed” to. But I quickly realized that I was not happy.

I suffered from a major “impostor” syndrome. Fresh out of university, I was supposed to be making calls on stock prices with the precision and accuracy of a fortune teller.

In fact, every day I was on conference calls to convince the Sales Team that I was so sure about my report that they should go to their billion dollar clients and advice them to make the bet as I called it.

I spent my days defending myself with a knot so tight in my stomach and heart pounding so hard and fast whenever it was my turn to speak.

I did not like it.

I was not fulfilled emotionally.

I was not passionate about making the rich richer.

I was not passionate about schmoozing with top corporate executives in the hope of eliciting information from them that would help me get an edge on my research.

I was not passionate about sitting in my cubicle all day crunching numbers and making forecasts based on statistics, trends and market dynamics.

So I did what any girl would do in a car all alone with the only sound being the drumming of the rain on the steel roof of the car.

I screamed.

I screamed at the top of my lungs.

I broke down sobbing for what felt like the longest time.

I had a good old ugly cry that evening.

It created a shift within me that ultimately led me to where I am today. I gathered courage within me to say yes to the opportunities I was given.

I fell in love with an American that swept me off my feet to Hong Kong.

I applied for and received a scholarship to attend the United Nations University in Tokyo for a 6 week International Course.

So much more happened on this journey called life that would take a whole book to narrate.

The story is still unfolding and I am having the best time of my life yet. 🌈

I trust the Universe. Everything is as it should be. 🎉🎊

I made the choice to be the driver of my life. I take side roads when there are traffic jams. 😝